Tales From A Hotel

Tales From A Hotel 5: The Return

Have you missed the Tales From A Hotel series?  Well don’t worry, it’s summer, and that means all the weirdos are out, so we’re back!  We’re going to start out with a few shorts, as nothing major has happened, yet.  But summer has just begun, and the weirdos will be out in force soon, it’s an inevitable cycle. So here are two shorts, with a longer version coming soon for Lamp Karen.

Our first short I’m going to call 

“No habla espanol”

Oundle nodate

Over the summer we get a lot of construction workers, as does any hotel.  Usually, we’ll get 2 or 3 crews since we have a large hotel and can fit them in the 300+ rooms we have.  We have one specific group staying with us right now with one particular idiot.  We’ll call him Jose, I have no idea what his real name is, nor do I care to.

Jose is a special sort of person.  He always comes down to the desk, talks, and talks.  The problem is, Jose is Mexican, and I don’t understand him.  Hell, even my translator doesn’t understand him.  Once he was yapping away and I repeated several times, “No habla Espanol”, that and some swears are all I know.  He kept talking and talking, so I turned on google translate.  He kept talking, and even Google Translate was like “Yo, what the fuck is this dude saying?”

Jose also was found one night sleeping in the public bathroom.  Why?  No one knows.  The dude has a room, he’s just stupid apparently.  I went in there one day, and I noticed the door wasn’t opening.  Now, I’m always watching the cameras, and I didn’t see anyone exit for a long time, so I figured some dumbass left the light on and closed the door.  Well, I was right.  This dumbass was sleeping in there.  After telling him to get out many times, and him yapping in whatever the hell language he speaks, I finally used about the only phrase I know.

“Vete a la mierda y vete a tu habitación o llamo a la policía”

“Fuck off and go to your room or I call the police.”

Jose, being the idiot he is, kept babbling away.  Needless to say, the police came, and even the cop who spoke fluent Spanish looked at me and went

“Is he on crack or something?  I have no idea what the hell this guy is saying.”

Needless to say, he was escorted to his room, and his boss came in the next day and chewed him out.  Jose is no longer allowed to wander around the hotel and has to stay in his room at all times or go to work.  Other than that, if he’s found wandering the halls again, he’s being kicked out.

Our next short is how apparently I’m racist.  We’ll call this one:


“You’re racist against cats!”  


Just…read on.

So one day, I was kicking back playing some Tears of the Kingdom, when the phone rang.  As usual, it’s a local number, and I hesitated to answer because usually it’s a shitshow.  Boy was I ever right.

“Hi, I need to know exactly what your pet policy is, because I have an emergency and need to get a room.”

“Ok, well we charge $20 per pet per night, and we only accept dogs.”

“Oh, so you don’t take cats?  It’s a service cat.”

Cats are a mess in a hotel, they ruin everything, the pee smell lasts for months and is really hard to get out, so almost no hotel will take cats.  Also, a “service cat”?  Get the hell out of here lady, there’s no such thing.  There are Emotional Support animals, which is likely what this cat was, and there are service animals, which are mostly dogs with a harness that helps blind people, diabetics, or various other disabilities and diseases.  Sure there can be cats, but it’s really rare. 

An emotional support animal, literally tell your doctor you have anxiety or whatever and need one, send in the paperwork, and boom, you’re done.  Hotels do not take Emotional Support animals generally, so people lie and claim service animals.

“No ma’am we don’t take cats.”

Wrong answer.  She exploded.


I stopped her right there dead in her tracks.

“First of all, don’t speak to me like that.  Second of all, you said service animal now you’re saying emotional support, so before you go off on me get your story straight.  Your room, should you decide to stay, now includes a $20 service fee because of your attitude.”

 She hadn’t stopped screaming the entire time.  


I simply smiled at what I was about to do, and when she was done, I asked “Are we done?  Because this has all been recorded per hotel policy.”  I proceeded to play back her rant, and added “So would you like the room?  It’s $140 per night.”


“I said 100 before you went on a tirade.  Please find another hotel in another town, because you won’t be allowed in any hotel in this town after today, have a good day.” and hung up.  She continued to call, and I ignored it, explaining to my boss what was going on.  He quickly told his hotel owner group chat about her, and she’s now banned from the entire town.  Don’t piss off a front desk worker.  I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again.  But people don’t get it.

Anyways, that’s all for Tales from the Front Desk this week, I have a few stories lined up from winter, as well as Lamp Karen who didn’t know what a light switch was.  We’ll get to those soon.

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