Have you missed the Tales From A Hotel series? 

Yes, we’re back.  I had big plans, but I had a health scare over the summer that sidelined me for quite a while.  But I’m back-ish, and a slight change to the article formatting.  Instead of one article from my hotel, I have a few from a few hotels in town.  A few of us decided it’s time our stories get shared, and since it’s totally anon, I even have one nice and spicy story for everyone.  We’ll include 2 stories this week, and hopefully next week 2 more.  Don’t worry, the spicy one will be here.

The Fake Handicapped Scumbag

This is from an absolute trash hotel in town, it’s on the opposite side of town from me, but a lot of us hang out after work lately, and that’s how we decided to start this series.  This is from the hotel that’s an absolute dump, but my friend stays because it’s so entertaining.  We’ll call her Abby, and this is her story:

One night, I had a guest staying here.  Our boss doesn’t care about who stays here, money is money to him.  So this guy was absolute trash on the state’s dime.  He came in, parked in a handicapped spot, and had a placard for it too.  When he came up, he reeked of alcohol and looked like he had been on a four-week bender.  He was wobbling and said “Oh I’m shober, jush…I uh, have a dish.”

“Uh, a dish?” I asked as I was going through the check-in process.

“Yesh….uh…cash…no ID”

Red flag.  I ended up talking him into showing me ID anyway under threat of calling the police because it is the law.

“Yeah…dish…dish….bility.  Yeah.”

Ok then, he had a dish with an ability.  I didn’t give a flying fuck and wanted alcohol breath out of my face, so I quickly checked him in, took his cash, red flag 2, and sent him on his way to a handicapped room, which he claimed he needed, for his dish ability.  I still didn’t see what the dish could do, before red flag #3 happened. 

Another woman, a lady of the night if you know what I mean, came walking up to the hotel and asked where he was.  She slipped me $50 to tell her, which honestly she didn’t need to do because I had seen her the night before, and before that, and before that…basically every night, but money is money.  So I sent her to Mr Dish Ability’s room, still curious what his dish could do. 

But this is where things get interesting.  Within the span of ten minutes, two different women called looking for him.  When I said I couldn’t transfer without a room number, BOTH insisted that he was their “Baby daddy” and demanded a transfer.  I still couldn’t do it, obviously, it’s against HIPPA and all that jazz, and they would have to find his room number.  By this time, red flags were filling up my little office, and I was wondering what the hell was going on.  

Fast forward two hours, and I hear sirens.  Nothing unusual, we’re on a main highway so we see them all the time.  But as I’m trying to go back to my book, and fending off “that’s my baby’s daddy” 3 and 4 (Yes, four women called.  We’re usually the first stop in cheater central), I suddenly hear screaming and a window shatter.  

“What in the sam hell is going on?” I wondered out loud and checked the cameras, I was NOT going out there alone.  Mr Dish Ability had thrown his lady of the night threw the window, and suddenly the place was surrounded by PD.  Apparently, there was a loud argument before the glass smashing, but being around the back of the building I didn’t hear that part.  I see the guy mounted on top of the naked woman just beating the holy hell out of her, and cops all over him, at least four of them. 

Big cops, not skinny little ones, our town has a lot of former army and guys that are buff as hell.  I mean I’m married to one of them, and he’s a pretty big “don’t fuck with me” type of guy.  Turns out the guy was so strung out on all kinds of drugs and adrenaline was pumping overtime. 

Finally, the chief himself shows up.  Big big bodybuilder.  The guy had fended off all these cops, and I was watching wishing I had popcorn.  Chief walks up, and right out of WWE, picks this fucker up by the throat and slams him down in a chokeslam that would make Paul Wight (The Big Show) proud.  He was down for the count. 

Craziest thing I’ve ever seen here.  She was OK, she had covered up so her forearms and legs took the brunt of the pounding.  I had thought he threw her through the glass, but he had knocked a chair through it when she ducked out of the way, and THEN he threw her out.  He was arrested and charged with assault and battery, criminal trespassing (somewhere else), and a few other charges.  Needless to say, he’s blacklisted.  Never did find out what his dish’s ability was.  Pity.  Oh, the handicapped thing?  The cops ran his plates, and it turns out they were stolen.  The entire vehicle was stolen.  It was returned to the owners from what I understand.

Five Star Hotel Spice

This story is from a friend in a very upscale hotel in town.  Rooms typically run 150-200 on a weeknight, and upwards of 300 on a weekend in the summer.  It’s a very fancy, five-star hotel.  Room service, balconies, suites, you name it.  We’ll call her Jenny.  So this is Jenny’s spicy story about a guest.

Alright so, the only reason I’m telling you this is because no one will know.  One night, around 7pm, we had some guests check in, a small group.  They rented a suite and a single King bed.  The suite was one of our fancier ones that there are only two of.  So as they checked in, this girl was with them.  About my age, 21 or so, she looked a bit down as the family checked in and paid and signed all the paperwork. 

She was a twenty out of ten, man oh man was she beautiful, and she knew it.  Minimal makeup, casually dressed with a button-up shirt that was pretty far undone.  As the family went upstairs and she got her keys, she started getting very flirty, and I didn’t mind one bit.  I slid the keys out, and she very intentionally put her hand on top of mine and leaned forward.  I was trying to focus on her eyes but, it was pretty hard.

“Is there…um…is there something….uhhh, else?” I asked, getting quite flustered.

“Look, my family…” and she gave me a whole story, completely believable, and not just because my mind was racing with very dirty thoughts.  “How much to upgrade to a suite as well?”

“Well, let me um…ask my…my manager…could I uh, have my hand back?” I asked still trying to keep eye contact but failing.

I called her up, and she OK’d an on-the-house upgrade since it was winter and one of our suites had been down most of the summer for major renovations, and she wanted to see it get some use.  The family had been quite rude to her, but still allowed her to come on vacation.  They were upset because she was gay, and they didn’t approve, so they gave her a single room.  But they at least paid for it. 

Pricks. 

So she happily took the room, and happily told her sister who was still standing with her.  They laughed and hugged and said goodnight, and the sister went upstairs.  The girl, we’ll call her Madison, solely because I like that name, lingered getting her bags, and winked at me as she headed upstairs.

Of course, that was on my mind the next few hours, as I went about my duties, locking the door to the restaurant, doing some cleaning in the lobby, etc.  As I was heading back to the desk, Madison’s family was in the pool.  She came down wrapped in a towel stopped by the desk and thanked me again for the upgrade.  She then stepped back and opened her towel to show a white bikini that really showed off her…features.

“What do you think?  I just got it today.” she grinned, knowing damn well what I thought when my face went bright red.

“Its uh…it’s…lovely…” I spurted out.  Yeah, I was definitely going to need a shower and take care of a few things later.

She grinned knowing damn well what she was doing, and walked over to the pool to join the family.  I continued going about my night, checking in many guests.  We were almost full, and at our prices, and having about 400 rooms, including 25 suites and one Presidential Suite, we were doing pretty good.  The night was pretty calm before Madison came down a third time.

“Jesus christ I’m about to drag this girl to the back…” I muttered to my co-worker, who laughed at me.

“If you don’t I just might!”

“I don’t think she swings that way.” I laughed and socked him in the arm.  This time, she had a zip-up shirt and tiny shorts.  She had “locked herself out” she said.  My co-worker had left to go help clean the restaurant since they were short-staffed that night, so it was just us.

“So what’s a girl gotta do to get your attention?” she asked, and when I looked up, her shirt was pretty well totally unzipped.  This of course once again threw me off, in the years of working at this hotel, this had NEVER happened to me.  “What time is your shift over?”. 

“It um, I uh, well it’s um, at uh, in fifteen minutes…um…yeah…” I managed to blurt out.  This girl checked ALL the boxes I looked for in a partner, which is pretty rare because I am so picky.  But she managed to hit them all.

She leaned forward over the counter, intentionaly giving me a hell of a look.

“You know my room, come see me after work.”

I quickly messaged my manager, making sure it was ok if I “Hung out” with a guest after work.  I was told as long as I’m clocked out and not in uniform (fancy hotel, we have a full on uniform, even shoes!), what I did on my own time was up to me.  

Needless to say, I stayed the night at the hotel, and used my employee position to get her a late checkout that day.  You’re goddamn crazy if you think I didn’t take her up on her offer!  Holy toledo if you had seen her, I’m sure you’d agree.

We still talk.  In fact, I asked her about sending this, and she didn’t care.  This was last summer, and we’re still together.  We actually live together now, and I wake up each day wondering how the hell a lowly hotel worker ended up with a 10, as they say.  Goes to show you miss 100% of the opportunities you don’t take!

Makes me wish I worked at a five-star hotel.  Kind of.  Anyway, that’s all for this week.  Next time, I’ll have a story from my hotel about a guy who tried to rob me at “gunpoint”, without realizing the gun barrel was sealed.  It’s pretty amusing.  Until next time loyal readers!